3 Signs of Codependency in a Relationship
Is My Relationship Codependent?
Codependency is a term that gets used a lot, but few people understand what it truly means. Maybe you’ve wondered if your relationship is codependent. You may have asked yourself if spending every weekend with your boyfriend is codependent or if the fact that you moved in together after only six months is a sign of codependency. The truth is that codependency is far more complex than pop psychology leads us to believe. Understanding what it really means is essential for determining whether your relationship is healthy and what steps to take to improve it.
What Codependency Isn’t
People often assume that codependent couples spend all their time together. While not having separate interests or friendships probably isn’t a sign of a strong relationship, it is not generally a defining characteristic of codependency. Likewise, caretaking in a relationship is typically equated with codependency. However, not all caretaking is created equal. There are countless situations in which one partner taking care of another is an expression of genuine love and caring. In both spending time together as well as caretaking, it is the underlying motivation rather than the behavior itself that tells us whether it is a sign of codependency.
What Codependency Really Is
Codependent behaviors arise out of a deep sense of insecurity and a need to please one’s partner. In fact, codependency can best be understood as a type of addiction. Just as alcoholics’ primary preoccupation is with alcohol, and workaholics’ lives revolve around their jobs, codependents are consumed by their relationships. In the words of expert Darlene Lancer, “a codependent organizes their thinking and behavior around another person.”
Because most codependents grew up in families where they did not receive the emotional nurturing they needed, they learned to hide their needs and feelings (including from themselves). Instead, they learned to focus on keeping the people in their lives happy. Pleasing their parents (and later in life, their partners) felt like the only way to get the security and love they craved.
How Codependency Shows Up in Relationships
There are numerous ways that codependency manifests in relationships, depending on the stage of the relationship or the unique personalities involved. But here are three signs that invariably point to codependent tendencies.
You feel responsible for your partner’s feelings
It is commonly said that codependents are only happy when their partners are happy. Because codependents were conditioned from an early age to be their parents’ emotional caretakers, they learned to always stay aware of the moods of the people around them. In adult relationships, when their partner is upset (be it with them or because of something wholly unrelated), they interpret this as a cause for alarm. They fear that the relationship is in jeopardy and frantically do everything they can to make their partners happy again. Not only does this cause the codependent to privilege their partner’s feelings over their own, it can prevent the partner from expressing a full range of emotions in the relationship.
You feel resentful much of the time
Codependents, as we saw in the discussion above, are terrified of conflict in relationships. Not only do they panic if their partner gets upset, they also go out of their way to suppress any negative feelings they may be feeling themselves. If their partner does something that bothers them, chances are the codependent will do their best to minimize or ignore it. They may see themselves as preserving peace and harmony, but the reality is that constant stifling of one’s feelings breeds resentment. They want their partner to magically intuit their feelings and correct the situation - and when they do not, resentment grows. This cycle repeats itself until the relationship becomes distant and deadened.
You stay in the relationship despite being unhappy
Codependents do not trust in their inherent worth. They only feel good about themselves when they are in a relationship and cannot tolerate being alone. Rather than accepting a relationship may not be right for them, they believe that they would be happy if only their partner would change. And then they devote themselves to trying to make that change happen. With increased focus on the partner, the codependent loses touch with their own feelings and needs even more than before.
Therapy Can Help Break the Cycle of Codependency
If you recognize any of these signs of codependency in yourself, it can feel daunting and perhaps even hopeless. Although codependency is often deeply rooted in childhood, these behaviors can be unlearned. Working with a codependency therapist can help you understand these patterns. Most importantly, therapy for codependency can allow you to get to know and express parts of yourself that you may have always censored to keep others happy. By discovering who you really are, and not the person people expect you to be, will allow you to gain clarity and confidence - breaking the dependence on others’ approval.
Consider Therapy for Codependency in Silver Spring, MD
Beginning the journey to unlearn codependency tendencies doesn’t have to be lonely. As a therapist who specializes in therapy for codependency, we can walk the journey together. Start living a life that is dependent on your own self-happiness and not reliant on others’. If you’re ready to get started, let’s set up a free 15-minute phone consultation.
Other Services at Lisa Zimmerman Therapy
Typically, the clients I see aren’t struggling with just codependency. Instead, they are also hoping to manage anxiety or discuss other relationship issues. Additionally, many folks I work with have some sort of past trauma or PTSD symptoms that we can work through, too. Therapy sessions are available to you either in person or online if you live in the DC area. If you have more questions about therapy with me at my Washington, DC area therapy practice or the costs associated, let’s set up a call.