Perfection and Anxiety: What’s the Connection?
Many of the high-achieving women I see in my practice would describe themselves as perfectionists. They come to see me because they are burned out and know that something has to change. These women are competent and intelligent, but feel like they always have to prove their worth. This means that they push themselves to go the extra mile in everything they do. Not only do they take on more than their share, but they must do it all flawlessly. At some point, it becomes too much.
The Many Faces of Perfectionism
Perhaps you can relate. You may have been told all your life that you are a perfectionist. Maybe you were the kid who couldn’t bear to color outside the lines. You never turned in your homework late and you rarely brought home anything less than an A on your report cards.
Or maybe your brand of perfectionism is more subtle. You like structure and routine to the point that having to miss a day of exercise throws you off completely. You are so afraid of making a mistake at work that you spend weeks on a project that could be finished in days.
Signs of perfectionism:
· Second-guessing yourself after a challenging conversation
· Not wanting to speak up out of fear of not knowing enough
· Shying away from new hobbies because you’re not sure that you’d be good at them
· Hyper-focusing on negative feedback while minimizing the praise you receive
Understanding the Roots of Perfectionism
Often when people talk about perfectionism, they speak as if it’s a personality trait. The truth is that no one is born a perfectionist. Perfectionism is a coping strategy, usually developed at a young age to deal with feelings of insecurity and unworthiness. This is where anxiety comes in.
Many people who fit the description of a perfectionist also struggle with low self-esteem. Sometimes they grew up in a family where their parents had challenges of their own. They did not get the reliable attention and approval a child needs to develop healthy self-esteem. In other cases, sexist, racist, and homophobic messages from our culture led them to believe that they were flawed.
When people do not feel secure about themselves, anxiety often develops. They never feel that they are enough and are terrified that other people will confirm this. Work, dating, and other social situations can all feel like minefields. One mistake, they fear, will be enough to expose their flaws and leave them rejected and alone.
Coping That Hurts More than It Helps
Perfectionism develops as a way to avoid this outcome, or at least that’s what the hope is. Often, perfectionists believe that if they never make a mistake and never show their rough edges, then they will earn approval and respect. They believe that if they never fail and never fall short, then they will never get hurt. To them, perfection makes them invulnerable.
The problem is that achieving perfection is impossible. There are very few situations where what is “perfect” is clearly defined. A person could spend all their time and energy aiming for perfection yet never be sure when they reach it.
More importantly, a person who spends their lives pursuing perfection rarely lets themselves be authentic. Being real sometimes means showing up, warts and all. It means acknowledging mistakes and shortcomings. This sort of vulnerability is what gives rise to intimacy and love. The sad irony is that this is what perfectionists long for, but their fear of being vulnerable keeps them from it.
Anxiety Treatment Can Help You Take Off the Mask of Perfectionism
When perfectionism has been a life-long pattern, it can be frightening to think of making a change. Anxiety treatment can help you understand how perfectionism has helped you cope – and how it might be holding you back. I help clients develop compassion for the parts of themselves that have used perfectionism to feel secure. At the same time, I’ll help you develop the courage to take off the mask. Therapy provides a safe place to begin to let yourself be seen, unpolished and imperfect. Through this work, you can begin to trust that this is where beauty lies.
Ready to Begin Anxiety Treatment in Silver Spring, MD?
If you’re ready to take back your life from anxiety and perfection, I’d be honored to be the anxiety therapist to help you reclaim your life again. You don’t have to do this alone.
Learn more about therapy with me and the cost of sessions at my Washington, DC area therapy practice. Then, let’s set up a free 15-minute consultation call where I can answer all your questions and we can get started on your healing journey.
Other Services at Lisa Zimmerman Therapy
If anxiety or perfectionism aren’t issues you’re working on, I offer many other services for professional women in the Washington, DC area. I work with folks to heal from codependency, trauma, and relationship issues. Additionally, I help individuals practice mindfulness and heal from low self-esteem. All of this is available at my Washington, DC-based therapy practice via online therapy.