The 4 Attachment Styles: A Key to Understanding You and Your Partner Better

Do you ever feel like you and your partner have a completely different idea of what love looks like? It can be really frustrating when you don't understand why your partner does the things they do. Attachment styles are one of the key factors that can contribute to this feeling. In this blog post, we will explain the 4 attachment styles and how they impact our relationships. If you're looking to better understand your partner (and yourself) this blog is for you!

What are Attachment Styles and Why do They Matter?

Our attachment style is the way we relate to others and how comfortable we feel in relationships. There are four attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, fearful-avoidant, and secure (don't worry, we'll get into what each of these attachment styles look like soon). Our attachment style is formed early in life, and it generally remains the same and continues to shape the way we interact with others throughout our life. It's useful to learn about our attachment style because it often has an impact on our relationships.

It's common that partners don't have the same attachment style. For example, if you want to spend all your time with your partner and they need more space and time to themselves, you probably have different attachment styles. Or if your partner is ready to commit to a long-term relationship with you but you feel like you need more time to open up and get close to them, you guessed it, you may have different attachment styles.

You can certainly have a healthy relationship with a partner who has a different attachment style than you! However, it's important that you understand the difference in your attachment styles to avoid misunderstandings and other related troubles. So let's get into the four different attachment styles...

Anxious Attachment

People with an anxious attachment style often feel insecure in their relationships and worry that their partner is going to leave them. If you have an anxious attachment style, you might find yourself being "clingy" or needing constant reassurance from your partner. You also might feel like you need to be perfect in order to keep your partner's love and attention.

If you're thinking to yourself that this may sound unfortunate, know that people with an anxious attachment style often have a deep capacity for love! They simply might express their love in different ways compared to someone with a secure attachment style.

Avoidant Attachment

Those that have an avoidant attachment style generally have a difficult time becoming emotionally intimate or close to others. They may find themselves pushing their partner away or shutting down when they try to get close. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you've probably found yourself distancing from your partner emotionally or physically when your relationship becomes "too serious".

While an avoidant attachment style may create obstacles in relationships, it's important to recognize that people with this attachment style are also often independent and self-sufficient. They could just need a little more time to open up emotionally in their relationships.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

A fearful-avoidant attachment style is basically a mix of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles. People with this attachment style often find themselves wanting close relationships but at the same time, fearing intimacy and closeness. If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, you might find yourself sending mixed signals to your partner.

It's true that having a fearful-avoidant attachment style can be confusing for people and their partners, especially at the start of a relationship. However, clear communication is key to understanding where you and your partner are at emotionally. People with this attachment style typically require a feeling of security in their relationship before they're ready to open up or commit, be patient with them.

Secure Attachment

Lastly, we have secure attachment. People with a secure attachment style are generally comfortable with intimacy and close relationships. They're usually able to trust their partner and feel confident in their love for them. While a secure attachment style is often seen as "ideal", remember that everyone expresses love differently! Just because someone doesn't have a secure attachment style doesn't mean that they're not capable of being a loving and supportive partner.

How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship

You've already taken the first step to learning more about our attachment styles and how you and your partner's attachment style might differ. That's a great tool to maintain a healthy relationship! Now that you have this knowledge, you can use communication, patience, and empathy to put it to use.

• Clear communication is key in any relationship. If you're feeling insecure or anxious about your relationship, talk to your partner about it. They can't read your mind, so it's important that you tell them how you're feeling.

• Next, it's crucial to be patient with yourself and your partner. Relationships take work and it's okay if things are not perfect all the time. If you find yourself getting upset, remind yourself that your partner is probably not trying to hurt you on purpose.

• Lastly, empathy and understanding go a long way in relationships! If your partner is feeling insecure or anxious, try to see things from their perspective. They might just need a little extra love and support.

Remember that attachment styles are not set in stone and that you can always work on improving your relationship. If you're having trouble, don't be afraid to seek out counseling or therapy.

Begin Counseling for Relationship Issues

By developing a deeper understanding of your relationship dynamics, you’ll be able to see your partner and yourself in a whole new light. If you’re ready to start unlearning unhealthy relationship patterns and authentically connect again, let’s talk. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation phone call to learn more about therapy at my Washington, DC area therapy practice.

Other Services at Lisa Zimmerman Therapy

Unlearning poor relationship patterns is only one step in your healing journey. If you want to pursue healing in other areas, I also offer anxiety therapy, therapy for codependency, and trauma therapy and PTSD treatment. Life can be so much brighter when you ask for the help you need. I offer online therapy in DC for added simplicity. You deserve to feel supported too. Get connected at my Washington, DC area counseling practice today.